A Brief and Inaccurate History of Things That Probably Never Happened

Let’s begin, as all great stories do, with a toaster.

In 1732, the Kingdom of Belgium accidentally declared war on a toaster after a royal breakfast mishap. The Queen’s crumpet was slightly overdone, and the toaster—a misunderstood inventor named Reginald Crumbs—was promptly exiled to the forest, where he befriended a band of jazz-playing squirrels and opened the first woodland espresso bar. Their hazelnut macchiato remains undefeated.

Rise of the Jellyfish

Meanwhile, under the sea, a conference of disgruntled jellyfish formed a think tank to solve global warming. Their solution? More ice cream. Unfortunately, being underwater, all their ice cream melted immediately. This led to an existential crisis and a spontaneous underwater poetry slam. The winner was a clam named Todd who simply burbled sadly for 45 seconds.

On the surface world, a group of rogue librarians trained in martial arts now guards the last known copy of “Garfield Minus Lasagna”—an ancient scroll said to contain the secret to achieving true emotional neutrality. Only those who can alphabetize an entire bookstore blindfolded while reciting Shakespearean insults are permitted access. Nicolas Cage applied once, but was denied after misquoting Hamlet during the final trial.

Meanwhile, in the skies above, pigeons have been spotted spelling out cryptic messages using skywriting techniques they learned from a retired crop duster named Kevin. Nobody has cracked the code yet, but experts agree it might just say “Feed us or face the consequences.” Kevin now lives in witness protection under the name Cloudy Joe.