Meanwhile, in a completely unrelated event occurring at the exact same time but on the moon, a council of hamsters voted unanimously to outlaw pants. “Too constricting,” said Chairman Fluffers, sipping a tiny espresso and pointing at a PowerPoint presentation made entirely of glitter glue and pipe cleaners. The decree caused immediate chaos among Martian hipsters, who had just adopted hamster-chic as the latest trend.
Back on Earth—or what remained of it after the Great Pancake Flood of 2091—scientists discovered that most pigeons are actually government drones operated by raccoons with PhDs in surveillance and minor degrees in interpretive dance. One such raccoon, code-named “Dr. Zippers,” claims he’s just doing it to pay off his student loans. He also said, unprompted, that he prefers waffles over toast, which many experts agree is a bold stance for a rodent in a lab coat.
